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Title: All (Frightfully Unofficial) About an Old Friend of Mine

Author: Thomas C. Gash

Release date: November 18, 2011 [eBook #38050]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Chris Curnow, Anna Whitehead, Diane Monico,

and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at

http://www.pgdp.net

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALL (FRIGHTFULLY UNOFFICIAL) ABOUT AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE ***

ALL

(Frightfully Unofficial)

about an OLD FRIEND of mine

What he most probably was

What he most certainly will be

AND WHO HAS DONE THIS?

WHY

THE CAT.

Dedicated to the Notice

OF ALL

The Firms of this Great City

whether

BANKERS BROKERS OR OTHERS

WHO

In their Rise to Wealth and Affluence

have NOT yet

Recognised the "Generous Policy" That their

Success is always partly Due to the Honesty and

Energy of their

SERVANTS,

AND WHO

After taking to Themselves all the

HONEY in the HIVE

Leave to the

WORKERS

NOTHING

but the Lees.

"A good Master maketh a good Servant"

MARTIN TUPPER.

ALL

(Frightfully Unofficial)

about an OLD FRIEND of mine

What he most probably was

What he most certainly will be

AND WHO HAS DONE THIS?

WHY

THE CAT.

What he most probably was,

before he became

A General-Private-Joint-Continental-Universal-Everlasting Respectable-Responsible

BANKERS CLERK.

During his 1st year of Service

(Fancies he's got a "good thing")

At 10 years Service, he has his doubts.

This is the BC of 20 years Service—he—hasn't any doubts now. Bless you! He knows all about it, and he's going home! To his—Dinner!!!

HERE IT IS!

AND ought'nt he to be thankful

AT 40, 50, or 150 years Service, he wonders (ha! ha!) Why his old heart may not be eased

BY A PENSION

that he and his can live upon, together with a handsome present of the remnant of his life

But he is informed that if he will send in his resignation first, It will be seen what can be done for him

Afterwards

"Is he quite worn out.? not another 6 months? dear me!

quite sure? Ah!"

This generous proposal does'nt satisfy our greedy old friend, so he comes up to the scratch as usual

And he works all day, and he dreams all night

Once he dreamt (silly Old boy) he dreamt

He had an IDEA!!!

(of course it was only a dream.)

(His Dream)

Why not appeal to his Masters the DIRECTORS they can but say No. they are Gentlemen, and

they won't eat him

(His Dream)

And of cours.—HOORAY!!!!

The DIRECTORS declare that their trusted servant SHOULD NOT be an exception to the Universal Rule, but that he had risen in value like everything else AND they further declare, they will not permit, the man whose labour increases with their success, to be left behind by the butcher, the Baker, or the Candlestick Maker.—NO not to put dividends into their own pockets,

OR ANY OTHER MANS

(still his dream.)

And Georgiana-Amelia looks more like the girl he took away from the old Rectory 20 years ago than he ever hoped to see again

Why she's getting FAT!, Sir FAT!

(but dreams)

And so is Tommy' Sir.

(very happy dreams)

And Georgiana Amelia, Junior.

(Are very very seldom)

And so Goodbye, Sir Goodbye. No, we do not live at Poplar now—Why, yes, quite a change. Just so Good bye to you, Sir

Hem—WE ARE GOING TO CHURCH.

(REALIZED)

OH! Are you.—You're going to the City, Old Boy. WHAT!!! Give you more pay—Pooh. Think of the Honorable Confidence your Masters cannot help giving you—Think of that—Very Valuable, Eh.

Ah! I should think so, and you had better wake up those Shakey old legs of yours, or you'll be Under the Line

And one Morning

he is Under the Line

And THIS is the result of his lifes labour

EXTRAORDINARY COINCIDENCE

SOME BODY

ELSE

HAS BEEN DREAMING

OR

OUR MUTUAL FRIEND

BEING

The FINAL SCRATCHES of

THE CAT

WHO

After this will vanish

And like the baseless

fabrick of a dream

Leave not a wrack behind

Having attended a Committee of the most exciting and exhaustive nature "Somebody" indulges in the traditional "40 Winks".

But the Committee hasn't done with him yet—the "Winks" are disturbed, and the Phantom of a defunct argument, that He settled long ago, sits itself rudely on the table, in a Makeshifty sort of way and insists upon having another "go in".

And so he thinks, He thinks! his income is too small; Why it's Princely, said the "Shadowy party" whose own "pull" was about £20,000 a year, He ought to make it do somehow, and if he don't like it you can manage without him.

Now look here, let me show you an Article.

There!!!

Now I call this cheap.—There he is, Salary £40. and white choker not objected to. (for the matter of that he'll wear plush or—anything)——Come he's goodlooking. He'll work for you, respect you, as much as he does himself, be a credit to you, and finally, he's been in the Pawnbroking line, says he lives on Oatmeal Porridge—and comes from the North

(ED NOTE "Puss" who comes fra' the North hersel, is disgusted with the "Cad", and does'nt believe him.

His harmless Pursuits——

And his simple Tastes,——

Will render him at once the ornament and "Prop" of your Establisment.—

And if in the ingenuous enthusiasm of his Generous Nature, he should by chance "run short"; He's not the man to pester you with Petitions. He has a soul above asking for Money.

Just so—,

Ha! Ha! laughed "Somebody", to "the" great danger of the "Winks"; Of course, and we shouldn't dream of taking such a scamp. We, Hem, have always drawn Our staff from a very different class, and why shouldn't we always do so, We are quite satisfied with them, and our Business, and our Profits are Increasing yearly.——Upon my word said "Somebody" everything connected with "Our House" gives me unlimited satisfaction.

And you are going to make the satisfaction just a leetle Mutual; Sir, indeed we ought to thank you very much; Said a new and most impertinent Essence, who appeared, somewhat prematurely, to have made up his mind, and so settled the question out of hand.

What do you mean, Sir. We don't require your interference said "Somebody" (who couldn't encourage that sort of thing). I see they forgot the Doctor, and no doubt your Wife will go to church. Yes, that sort of thing does cost something, and you couldn't very well stop her, no, no. And I see you never spend any money for Conveyance, and you never have any recreation, or change of air; nothing to help through the dismal monotony of your 12 days holiday in November or February and you can't even afford "8 hours at the Sea Side" for the Wife and little ones. In fact you've no money. no comfort! no Pipe! no Glass! no music! no Paper! no nothing.

Well!!! said "Somebody" you're an Extraordinary Man—but I don't believe you—Now I can understand this. You cannot afford any of these things, that is clear. But Human Nature is frail, and Alas! B.C.s are but Human. Come, Sir confess at least to some of these iniquities, and then—What is the consequence?

Why 50 per cent of you get into debt, and you know it Said "Somebody" do you think you can decieve me? Why its clear that if you will really make out a list of The Butcher, The Baker, The Water rate, The Poor Rate!! and the Income Tax (every penny—poor devil) and all the other luxuries in which you indulge. Why both ends can't meet

Somebody Somebody, Esquire

Of course they wont. I've said so before. Give you my Vote and Interest? Do we wish to conduct our Business on the "Old Clo" principle, like a Firm of Jew Slopmakers? said "Somebody", getting Indignant, and dangerously red about the Face—NO! very well. Give you my Vote and Interest? I always have. Give them again?——(you know young man, this is all very unofficial—well then) Yes.—I Will

And "Somebody" said "I will" so loudly that he woke himself up.

And "Somebody" who was "Somebody" (may his shadow never be less) did give his Vote and Interest.

And the result, some of it is in my Pocket (long may it stop there) the Result is, that Our House is up to any Amount of Work and will undertake to beat the Cheap Jacks into Fits

Let us hope the example of "our little Shop" will be catching

Now then ALLTOGETHER

AND SO SAY ALL OF US

AND SO SAY ALL OF US

FOR HE IS A JOLLY GOOD

SOMEBODY COMING

See him do it!

Puss in taking leave of his Friends Congratulates them on the Fact that they know who is OUR "MUTUAL FRIEND" (and it isn't everyone can say that). In conclusion it is to be hoped that "Nobody" will be the only person so unfeline as to dream of

"PUTTING A STOPPER ON THE CAT'S MEAT"

Transcriber's Notes

Retained the spelling and punctuation anomalies of the original.

Retained the handwritten text in the illustrations for its artistic and expressive qualities.

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Table of Contents

ALL (Frightfully Unofficial) about an OLD FRIEND of mine What he most probably was What he most certainly will be AND WHO HAS DONE THIS? WHY THE CAT.

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE